ccbella

ever have one of those days

where you feel like a total failure at this parenting thing???

that was yesterday for me.

Caroline and i got in a huge fight

over nothing really.

she had her heart set on taking Cooper’s backpack to bring HER stuff for vacation…because it had more pockets…..even though she has 3 backpacks to choose from, she wanted HIS.

A full tantrum erupted….  “your a mean mommy!!” “this is so unfair!!” “I don’t want to live here anymore!!”   awful things were just flying out of her mouth….her little body was just FULL of anger. 

and of course i yelled back…..because when i told her to go to her room….she didn’t.

So i yelled some more. And mean things were flying out of my mouth.

 

and i have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it…because i don’t want to yell, i don’t want to be this angry mom, and i know better.

i can be better.

you see…Caroline is my intense child, EVERY decision is difficult, she over thinks everything, and becomes very overwhelmed, cooperation and  compromise are not easy for her. In our family dynamics she NEEDS lots of attention, she NEEDS constant reassurance, she NEEDS us to stay calm and talk her through situations.

most days we give her as much as we can, and sometimes its never enough.

 

i know that i not only have to love her,

i have to love her FIERCELY.

  

for the FIRST time, after a very long time-out in her room, she came to me and said she was ready to talk. This was a big deal.

you see, after a fight/argument she has very little remorse and she never wants to apologize. But yesterday she curled up in my lap and was able to look me in my eyes…and we talked….and we cried….and we talked some more.